28 September 2008
Winning Countless Battles
30/09/08 15:26 Filed in: Depression
And still
losing the war. I keep beating myself up because I
can’t control my brain and the feelings of loss and
displacement and fear and hopelessness that hammer
within me each day. I know what the cause is, but
seemingly not the cure. The resulting anxiety I feel
seems to grow daily, but the woods are dark and deep
and I have no one’s hand to hold. I stagger. I cry.
One more day. One more day. And then perhaps none and
no one will really care. Why can’t I separate the
good from the bad and keep it that way, tossing out
the bad into the depths of an endless sea? Why can’t
I be brave? Why can’t I win one for ME?
Over the next few days, I’ll be traveling and looking for the place I seem to belong. I hope I find it. Otherwise, this story will have another unhappy ending.
Over the next few days, I’ll be traveling and looking for the place I seem to belong. I hope I find it. Otherwise, this story will have another unhappy ending.
Hiding In Plain View
29/09/08 21:10 Filed in: Depression
I feel that
the road I am on will come to an end soon. I’m trying
to run away. I’m trying to run away from me and from
everything I’ve known. This loneliness cannot last,
and I will have to see to that myself, somehow. I’m
going to Tennessee and then back to Sahuarita, but
beyond that is a dark wood, and I’ll be taking the
path less traveled. It is as though I want to
disappear and be buried in the potter’s field.
Revelations
28/09/08 22:07 Filed in: Depression
I’ve been in
north-central Arizona for the past week or so,
dog-sitting for an old and trusted friend. During
this time, I have endured what seems to be a complete
failure of my anti-depressant medications. I have
felt hopelessness and ann inability to cope that
seems to breathe its rancid breath from within my
bones. My life has fallen apart as parts of me have
collapsed through doorways to separate dimensions.
The revelation I’ve had is that I’m now not just
looking for a home, but for a place in which I
belong. I know where I belong: at Mary’s side. But I
am too weak. In shame, then, I look far away for a
place in which I can become invisible to all those
who have known me. If I look and can’t find a place
of anonymous belonging, there is but one path left,
and that path I will follow.